[img]
file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/SLAMNE%7E1/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/moz-screenshot-3.png[/img][img]file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/SLAMNE%7E1/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/moz-screenshot-4.png[/img][b][font:e93e="]Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.
Submitted by: Kmankoolman [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car
driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and
offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad
to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he
asked the Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have
gone."
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
Submitted by: Anonymous [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he
thought he was driving just fine.
Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!
Submitted by: Nick Henry, ESL teacher in Korea [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or
gossip). [/font][/b]
[list]
[*][b][font:e93e="]Telegram [/font][/b]
[*][b][font:e93e="]Telephone [/font][/b]
[*][b][font:e93e="]Tell a woman [/font][/b]
[/list]
[b][font:e93e="]Perhaps not very politically correct in the times we live
in, but worth a slight chuckle.
Submitted by: Dave & Brendan
EDITOR'S NOTE: Maybe you could teach your students the phrase "politically
correct" and discuss it. [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.
Submitted by: Anonymous [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and
gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same
question?".
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at
funerals.
Submitted by: Chris Fisher [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come
to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in
the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!
Submitted by: Genti Biraci [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very
drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here
myself."
Submitted by: Anonymous [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
Submitted by: Freshteh Sadeghi [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman
who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when
I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution,
just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the
perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl.
She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very
much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her." [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents
on the first day of school. [/font][/b]
[b][font:e93e="]"If you promise not to believe everything your child
says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child
says happens at home. [/font][/b]
[b][font:e93e="]Submitted by: Willaim Greaves [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the
operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!
Submitted by: Fred [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?
She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.
(Requires basic knowledge of the Cinderella story and that both ball and coach
have double meanings.)
Submitted by: Jillian H. [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an
"I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an
"I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Submitted by: Monirul Hassan [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from
the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I
think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you
going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Submitted by: Tshifhiwa Rambau [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
Submitted by: Michael Trew [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]Teacher: How can we get some clean water?
Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.
Submitted by: Zeinab Eltayb [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg?
A. Limp Bizkit. (limp biscuit)
(Alternate: What do the British call a cookie that got wet?)
Submitted by: Emily Mileski [/font][/b]
[b][font:e93e="](If you don't know what Limp Bizkit is, [url=http://www.google.com/search?q=limp+bizkit&num=20][color:e93e=blue]see the results of a Google search for Limp Bizkit[/color][/url].)
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[b][font:e93e="]A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have
in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of
them!"
Submitted by: Matty [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]This is a good one to follow the following previously
submitted joke. [/font][/b]
[b][font:e93e="]A: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
B: No idea. (No Eye Deer.) [/font][/b]
[b][font:e93e="]A: What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?
B: Still no idea. [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.
Submitted by: Landa Eugene [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]Q: When does the (English) alphabet have only 25 letters?
A: At Christmas time, because it is the time of Noel. (No L)
Submitted by: George Hurlburt [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope. [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it
become?
A: Wet. [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A: A stick. [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]Q: Where do you find giant snails?
A: On the ends of their fingers.
(Giants' nails.) [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]Q: What travels around the world and stays in a corner?
A: A stamp. [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A: A blackboard. [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]These need to be written.[/font][/b]
[b][font:e93e="]Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A piiig. [/font][/b]
[b][font:e93e="]Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh?
A: Santa Claus walking backwards. [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]Q: What do elephants have that no other animal has?
A: Baby elephants. [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]Depending on where you live, students will enjoy this one. [/font][/b]
[b][font:e93e="]Q: What do you call a hippie's wife?
A: Mississippi. [/font][/b]
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[b][font:e93e="]Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?
A: Nothing, it just waved! [/font][/b]
[b][font:e93e="]Submitted by: Eric Stein[/font][/b]
[b] [/b]
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